Just a Shell - an Existing Community Discovered
At just after 6:20 yesterday evening, I sat at my Granny's bedside at Heatherwood hospital with 5 other family members and watched her breathe her last ever breath.
It was a completely weird thing to experience. The hours leading up to this time had been strange - we would all talk, laugh, bring up old memories, then all of a sudden there would be complete silence as we all focused on the frail figure laying in bed who was my heavily sedated grandmother, yet looked nothing like her. Every so often Granny would stop breathing for a few seconds, at which point our hearts almost seemed to skip a few beats, then she would gasp another breath in her closing-down body. Then suddenly her already pale face turned white, her lips turned the same colour, and her pulse disappeared. She had died.
We had to leave the room for a short while a few minutes after she had died, so that the staff could straighten her up a bit.
There were tears of sadness shared, but also breaths of relief that Granny's life had ended peacefully. When we went back in, Granny wasn't there, this shell of an old woman, now with all the facial wrinkles miraculously vanished, was not my Granny, nor my mum's mother, nor my great-aunt's sister. Granny had died. All that was left was an overly-thin body of someone we never knew.
As sad as it was, I am glad that I was there as Granny's life gently slipped away. I've been in search of deeper forms of Community for so long and yesterday, in the waiting, and the ending, I found one again in my family. It's funny that it's there all the time, yet it can take something like a death to help you to see it.
We will miss you, Granny Jo, but we will always have our memories of you and different bits of your personality will live on in your offspring in different ways. Enjoy your new life up there - and get some pork crackling done ready for me - yours was always the best!
It was a completely weird thing to experience. The hours leading up to this time had been strange - we would all talk, laugh, bring up old memories, then all of a sudden there would be complete silence as we all focused on the frail figure laying in bed who was my heavily sedated grandmother, yet looked nothing like her. Every so often Granny would stop breathing for a few seconds, at which point our hearts almost seemed to skip a few beats, then she would gasp another breath in her closing-down body. Then suddenly her already pale face turned white, her lips turned the same colour, and her pulse disappeared. She had died.
We had to leave the room for a short while a few minutes after she had died, so that the staff could straighten her up a bit.
There were tears of sadness shared, but also breaths of relief that Granny's life had ended peacefully. When we went back in, Granny wasn't there, this shell of an old woman, now with all the facial wrinkles miraculously vanished, was not my Granny, nor my mum's mother, nor my great-aunt's sister. Granny had died. All that was left was an overly-thin body of someone we never knew.
As sad as it was, I am glad that I was there as Granny's life gently slipped away. I've been in search of deeper forms of Community for so long and yesterday, in the waiting, and the ending, I found one again in my family. It's funny that it's there all the time, yet it can take something like a death to help you to see it.
We will miss you, Granny Jo, but we will always have our memories of you and different bits of your personality will live on in your offspring in different ways. Enjoy your new life up there - and get some pork crackling done ready for me - yours was always the best!
2 Comments:
I was very moved by your latest blog post Mark, I don't think I know of anything appropriate to say though, I hope this is ok...
By MattyT, at December 01, 2006 3:51 PM
when i went to see my great nan just lieing there, i was too scared to touch her, i was angry and confused but then realised that my great nan will be having a better life up there, she will be happier and i stoped feeling angry but knowing that the pain and suffering had gone just made it easier to deal with, with help from ppl, i managed to move on, and having one of ur closest ppl just being taken away seems unfair but also happier knowing they are in better place, dunno what say, reading ur blog, was touching, same here i dunno what say, but i remeber one thing u said to me, its all over and shes in a better place, shes with god:):) happy feeling:):) sorry this all blabble , dunno how to write what wanted say. kel:)
By Anonymous, at December 07, 2006 11:10 AM
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